Welp, that's quite some time without a post. Way to go, beep!
No, no. Don't blame your temporary crown causing massive pain, then coming off, and requiring a root canal. Don't blame your friend being here for 3 weeks because of a lifesaving treatment that you'd fight people over. Don't blame anything but your own "healing." You got busy! Buried in the weeds, as it were.
That's right. I've actually been accomplishing things. In fact, I have a new app coming out very soon! More news on that later.
For now, I have had a day and also a month and a twitter thread spilled out, so I'm sharing it with you all because I barely use twitter anymore anyway. Maybe there's a nugget of wisdom you can nibble on. Enjoy!
I promise I'll be back before another 2 months pass.
The thread in question...
I turned 40 on Saturday and I have thoughts.
Haven't been on twitter much for awhile, so a lot has been going on behind the scenes and now a thread is demanding to spill out, which people probably won't even see because of the state of this site.
Whatever, here goes nothing...
A little backstory, I suppose? The last time I freaked out about my age was when I turned 29. Yes, 29. Because it was the last time I would not be 30, or some such nonsense. Flipping out about aging is both kind of a reality and also completely ridiculous.
Now, if you know me at all, you know I'm ALWAYS on about mental illness (or dogs, or television, but for sure one of those 3 things).
At the end of 2022, I started Ketamine treatments (y'all already know this) to try to fight my bipolar depression. It was a bit of a last ditch effort to make SOMETHING happen.
And boy, howdy did something happen! Things I couldn't have expected. Things I never dared hope for. Through the process I learned I was soooo much worse off than I thought (and I always assumed I was making too much out of it anyway).
I was exhausted just from staying alive.
From after the very first treatment, that voice in my head, the one the constantly berated me for being a worthless piece of shit... well, it was like someone with much more authority than me told it to STFU, because it did.
My head has ALWAYS been an extremely LOUD place to be.
For real, since as long as I can remember. There are so many thoughts and I have no control over which ones we're going to focus (or not focus) on. Never have.
But someone turned the volume down. It was so quiet. Completely foreign to me. (I kid you not, I get kinda lonely now.)
Because I didn't realize the swirling chaos was like a companion, beloved as it was NOT. As I've progressed through treatment, I have been baffled.
There are so many hours in the day, guys. Like, I had no idea how much time I was wasting just mentally preparing myself to do the simplest things! Hours upon hours feeling like I was busy because everything took so much effort.
Now things are (often) easy and I can choose my thoughts and have one at a time, which is completely foreign to me. I lived over 39 years with a wildly different experience.
So I'm entering now what people consider their "second half," I guess? And I couldn't care less, because it feels like I'm a kid again (for the first time).
Everything is new and novel and I'm working on passions and projects and ALL THE THINGS I could never finish before.
Don't get me wrong, there are days that suck, but it's not constant and it's not the default. I forget to want to die these days! Imagine.
I also have a whole new set of issues because if I'm not obsessed with something, I have no idea what to do with my time. And I can't nap! Bummer!
At first I was PISSED because why didn't I find this solution 20 years ago? But my doc was quick to point out I could have gone 20 more and never found it.
Stupid "silver lining" mentality. What in the actual fuck?? But, he's right and that's probably why it irked me so much.
I was terrified when I started -- terrified that depression and anxiety and CRAZY were so entangled in my very being that there might be nothing left to beep if you stripped all that away.
But there is! I've never felt more like myself, and I gotta tell you, I'm awesome AF.
For everyone out there who struggles, keep fighting. Keep looking for things that help (never cure, that's not a thing with chronic mental illness).
Talk to yourself like you'd talk to a friend and not like you'd talk to a garbage person -- because it's likely you aren't one.
And, fuck, if you are a garbage person, keep fighting anyway. The people around you deserve a better version of you. We all do.
Or at the very least, shut the fuck up and stop bothering people who are doing their level best. That's a step in the right direction anyway.
My favorite thing about threads is never knowing how to end them.
Here's to not wanting to die, I guess? It's different than wanting to live, but it's better than before. And better is what we're all out here striving for.
Neutral feels manic to some of us, and we'll take it.
Anyhoo, talk soon.